Friday, December 31, 2004
I Hate International Get-Drunk Day...
Nope...no cryptic heading today. This post is going to be all about how much I hate New Years Eve. Hold on...let me put out a disclaimer.
*****Today's post is going to be me venting about how much I hate alcohol and it's international holiday: New Year's Eve. If you find Alcohol intrinsically "Fun" or you can't consider anything a "Party" unless there's alcohol there to use then this post will not be for you. Further reading will only get you more and more angry with me as you read...so...it you can't abstain from alcohol for anything longer than a year...please abstain from this post. Thank you. You have been warned.*****
It's been almost a year since I felt any anxiety about alcohol. Just so you all know. I have watched people drink it, watched people get drunk, drink in my apartment, you name it. I haven't cared for a long time. That's a significant improvement for those of you who know me. But for those of you who don't, let me put it into perspective. A while ago when I was just out of highschool a good handfull of unpleasant things happened to me. I won't go into detail but let's just say that if alcohol and cigarettes weren't in the picture I would still have my aunt and my uncle, a sane mother, and a heart that had never been maliciously broken...and I would have something happy to remember from my first year of college. Needless to say, that scars a person. So...shortly into my freshman year of college I decided I was going to be Straightedge. I met a band that turned me on to the idea and I have stuck with it since then. Well...just so you all know...that's been a relatively long time. Since then the band broke up, some of them ended up back in rehab, and none of them are straightedge anymore. But that's another story. As the years progressed a couple of ladies came into my life and became good friends of mine. They basically made the rest of my college years a lot of fun. well...the next two years of my college anyway. At the time they didn't drink and we always had a blast. It was really fun. All the time.
That changed of course as it always does and I was back to being the only person I knew that didn't drink, smoke or do drugs. I'm really not trying to be melodramatic...but it was pretty lonely.
Anyway...long story...less long: I would have mini-anxiety attacks when the subject of drugs (of any kind including alcohol) would come up involving people around me. I just didn't understand it. They would get themselves into trouble, alter the courses of ther lives, hurt themselves and others, do and say things they REALLY shouldn't be doing or saying....like at all. But all the while they never stopped...never turned it down a notch....nothing. To this day I still don't understand. BUT! As of about 11 months ago I finally got my attacks under control. Perfectly in my grasp. "Ok great tommy...so what's the problem then?" Well...I've been under an incredible amount of stress lately, I've had very little time to myself or with kelley, there has been an abnormal amount of drinking going on around me...AND it's almost my most stressful holiday of the year...my defenses have finally broken down. Everyone has been on vacation for the last two week and some of them have gone out drinking almost every night since the break started. So...I was doing fine most of the last two weeks. I was blocking it out like I had trained myself to but then about wednesday of this week I started to lose control of my anxiety. Then it began to compound with my stress at work and the chink in my armor had been breached and the whole suit began to come apart.
Basically I'm using this post to see if I can vent off a little stress about New Years before it gets here...if I have another attack Kelley will...well...let's just say she would be more mad than I have ever seen her. So...Anyway...I was going to talk about International Get-Drunk Day (today by the way) but I don't know if it really needs the attention I have been giving it all day in my head. I just think it's a fucking stupid holiday. And I mean that in the most viscious way possible. It's boiled down to being literally THE DAY everyone in the world (except myself and some people in india or something) gets drunk and does some really stupid ass bullshit that they can never take back and will regret for the rest of their lives. But they can always blame the alcohol so it's ok. Fucks! God damn I hate today. It brings me such stress!! I worry about the guys driving home when they shouldn't be (which they will!), I worry about kelley getting drunk and getting mad at me, I worry about people getting hurt. I just...god...I just...wish I wasn't so alone. I think that's really all it is.
Kelley has been going out to bars a lot lately. With the guys and without me. fuck...she's literally been out at bars these last two weeks more than she's been with me. I just makes me sad...anyway...I can see that this really isn't helping and that it's just making it worse. Maybe I should stay home tonight. I don't know what I'm going to do...maybe I'll start working on a new suit of armor...I fucking hate new years eve...
Game I last played: Tactics Ogre - The Knight of Lodos
Tommy "Me and the lump in my throat just want to go back to bed..." Schubert
*****Today's post is going to be me venting about how much I hate alcohol and it's international holiday: New Year's Eve. If you find Alcohol intrinsically "Fun" or you can't consider anything a "Party" unless there's alcohol there to use then this post will not be for you. Further reading will only get you more and more angry with me as you read...so...it you can't abstain from alcohol for anything longer than a year...please abstain from this post. Thank you. You have been warned.*****
It's been almost a year since I felt any anxiety about alcohol. Just so you all know. I have watched people drink it, watched people get drunk, drink in my apartment, you name it. I haven't cared for a long time. That's a significant improvement for those of you who know me. But for those of you who don't, let me put it into perspective. A while ago when I was just out of highschool a good handfull of unpleasant things happened to me. I won't go into detail but let's just say that if alcohol and cigarettes weren't in the picture I would still have my aunt and my uncle, a sane mother, and a heart that had never been maliciously broken...and I would have something happy to remember from my first year of college. Needless to say, that scars a person. So...shortly into my freshman year of college I decided I was going to be Straightedge. I met a band that turned me on to the idea and I have stuck with it since then. Well...just so you all know...that's been a relatively long time. Since then the band broke up, some of them ended up back in rehab, and none of them are straightedge anymore. But that's another story. As the years progressed a couple of ladies came into my life and became good friends of mine. They basically made the rest of my college years a lot of fun. well...the next two years of my college anyway. At the time they didn't drink and we always had a blast. It was really fun. All the time.
That changed of course as it always does and I was back to being the only person I knew that didn't drink, smoke or do drugs. I'm really not trying to be melodramatic...but it was pretty lonely.
Anyway...long story...less long: I would have mini-anxiety attacks when the subject of drugs (of any kind including alcohol) would come up involving people around me. I just didn't understand it. They would get themselves into trouble, alter the courses of ther lives, hurt themselves and others, do and say things they REALLY shouldn't be doing or saying....like at all. But all the while they never stopped...never turned it down a notch....nothing. To this day I still don't understand. BUT! As of about 11 months ago I finally got my attacks under control. Perfectly in my grasp. "Ok great tommy...so what's the problem then?" Well...I've been under an incredible amount of stress lately, I've had very little time to myself or with kelley, there has been an abnormal amount of drinking going on around me...AND it's almost my most stressful holiday of the year...my defenses have finally broken down. Everyone has been on vacation for the last two week and some of them have gone out drinking almost every night since the break started. So...I was doing fine most of the last two weeks. I was blocking it out like I had trained myself to but then about wednesday of this week I started to lose control of my anxiety. Then it began to compound with my stress at work and the chink in my armor had been breached and the whole suit began to come apart.
Basically I'm using this post to see if I can vent off a little stress about New Years before it gets here...if I have another attack Kelley will...well...let's just say she would be more mad than I have ever seen her. So...Anyway...I was going to talk about International Get-Drunk Day (today by the way) but I don't know if it really needs the attention I have been giving it all day in my head. I just think it's a fucking stupid holiday. And I mean that in the most viscious way possible. It's boiled down to being literally THE DAY everyone in the world (except myself and some people in india or something) gets drunk and does some really stupid ass bullshit that they can never take back and will regret for the rest of their lives. But they can always blame the alcohol so it's ok. Fucks! God damn I hate today. It brings me such stress!! I worry about the guys driving home when they shouldn't be (which they will!), I worry about kelley getting drunk and getting mad at me, I worry about people getting hurt. I just...god...I just...wish I wasn't so alone. I think that's really all it is.
Kelley has been going out to bars a lot lately. With the guys and without me. fuck...she's literally been out at bars these last two weeks more than she's been with me. I just makes me sad...anyway...I can see that this really isn't helping and that it's just making it worse. Maybe I should stay home tonight. I don't know what I'm going to do...maybe I'll start working on a new suit of armor...I fucking hate new years eve...
Game I last played: Tactics Ogre - The Knight of Lodos
Tommy "Me and the lump in my throat just want to go back to bed..." Schubert
Comments:
I've been invited to several places tonight but I just feel like staying in. I don't get the "it's not a party without alcohol" mentality either, but I don't really care either way.
Back when I was planning my wedding, I was discussing serving no alcohol... Geoff didn't care, but friends and family had a FIT. Like a wedding without alcohol was the end of the world. :P
Anyway, I think of New Years as a time for new beginnings... a time to put into action for myself things that I have promised. I understand your feelings about alcohol... growing up with an alcoholic turned me off it for a long time. I've never understood drinking to get drunk, it seems like an excuse for people who are uncomfortable being themselves.
A ramble from me, sorry. :)
Back when I was planning my wedding, I was discussing serving no alcohol... Geoff didn't care, but friends and family had a FIT. Like a wedding without alcohol was the end of the world. :P
Anyway, I think of New Years as a time for new beginnings... a time to put into action for myself things that I have promised. I understand your feelings about alcohol... growing up with an alcoholic turned me off it for a long time. I've never understood drinking to get drunk, it seems like an excuse for people who are uncomfortable being themselves.
A ramble from me, sorry. :)
# posted by 
: 4:45 PM
: 4:45 PM
yeah...I think that's the whole point. I enjoy being myself. I really like being who I am and I like being me all the time. I guess that just isn't the case for some people. Anyway...time to write a short post for today...
Tommy
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Tommy
