The Roulette Wheel

Well...this is the last week before school starts and I'm just about as bummed as I can get. No really...I don't really know what's actually going on but I'm definitely depressed. Don't want to eat, don't want to go out, don't want to go to bed, just want to nap, don't want to wake up, don't want to work out. Yeah...I mean, I think I'm particularly qualified to diagnose my depression, but there's a list for ya anyway! :P

I'm not really sure what's causing it. I mean I could use a little Achem's razor action on it and just assume it's the simple fact that I'm going back to work Monday, but really I never get THIS depressed. Then I started thinking it might be because I'm getting a bad vibe from Lauren down in SA. But after rethinking my last conversation and rereading my last series of texts, that sounds stupid. So I'm kinda trying to think a little outside the box. This is the first summer where I haven't had full time class to go to. So I'm thinking that the summer was spent getting REALLY used to not working...now I'm dreading getting back to work and realizing that this is probably REALLY my last year. I'm dreading all the changes in the couple years to follow. I'm dreading a lot of things.

*Just exchanged a few texts with her*

But then I get back to Lauren. (This is the part where the post changes gears) I've had my general happiness so wrapped up in others for so long that with this one...it's really coming back to me. It's like it's all flooding back all at once. The last several relationships weren't that awesome from the beginning but I've gotten only a taste of this one and man...I can't imagine what a meal would feel like. No really...it's like my capacity to love since Kelley has been completely dead and I didn't even know it. Now that I've gotten it back, I don't know what to do with it. I'm not saying I'm in love with her so early!! Quite the contrary. But I do know that I really could love her, and it's been several years since I've felt like that. Since I felt that I even could. Ok...call me a dick if you will but I've told the ladies before now that I was capable of it and I actually figured I was telling the truth. I figured it would come with time, but it never did. With this one...I KNOW I'm telling the truth. It feels good, but it's scary. It's hard (as many of you reading already know) to have your happiness wrapped up in another person. I remember what that was like now. Having a shitty day just because of a dower conversation, a curt kiss or a lackadaisical response to something exciting. Don't get me wrong! I totally want that! But it's going to be yet another adjustment...and it's already started. Yeah, I've been having a shitty week but really it started Wednesday night after our conversation. Conversation really went fine, but well...let's just say: foot-in-mouth happened a little. Worried about it all the next day. She only wanted to text Thursday, and then didn't hear from her Friday. So about three days of pure "did I fuck this up ALREADY??!". Well anyway...I'm sure this all doesn't make much sense. Well the text I just got informed me that she called earlier just to say hi, but my phone never rang. Got some positive vibes and now....well...now I'm not having a shitty week anymore. :) I guess there's the answer I started this post with the purpose of looking for.

Fucked up. I totally agree. I just think it's interesting how much another person can impact your mood. Really...I mean sure. I'm one of those people that really wears their heart on their sleeve when it comes to the ladies but if I wasn't so painfully sensitive I just wouldn't be able to be such a good counselor. Oh and for those of you that aren't aware or don't believe me? I do very few things well, but counseling I do best. I'm quite good at it. And for those of you that know me know I rarely say I'm particularly good at something. But anyway...that sensitivity or empathy or whatever ya wanna call it really backfires sometimes. Really has it's downside. Right now? Yeah...this is it. It's like chicks are my kryptonite. I'd do just about anything for one I love and it's like I have a main line to everything going on with them. I mean...I'm actually trying to get into professional sports for this chick! And I don't even love her yet! WTF?! I have compromised almost every moral code I have for a woman at one point in time. Piercing? Check. Drinking? Check. Smoking? Check. Religion? Check. The list really goes on and on...but I always seem to come back to what makes me, me. So why do I do it? To make an impression? To empathize even further? I honestly don't know. But it's me and it's who I am. I do like me...but I don't like this part. But, well...I can only assume it's a package deal at this point because it's been happening my entire life. So I guess I'm gotta learn to deal with it...or start working on changing it.

But I honestly think that's too dangerous. To close to the core that's who I am. God this sounds absurd. I'm not looking to break myself if that makes any sense. So here's how the next couple months are gonna go. One of two ways really: Complete roller coaster of emotions that will level off when we make the relationship official in a couple months. I will then, potentially, be in the best relationship of my life. OOOOR The same roller coaster ride, ending in one hell of a crash. There is, sadly, no easy way out of this one I don't think. I could be wrong of course, but I'm trying to make sure I understand what I could potentially be getting into here. I don't want to delude myself. I want to make sure I'm prepared for this. I've been thinking a lot about it actually. And I think I am ready. The terrible risk is worth the reward on this one. It really is guys. So wish me good luck....and seriously? Pray.

Tommy "already did that" Schubert

So...I'm SURE (not really) that you guys were waiting on baited breath for me to come back and tell you all about the date. I don't know if I really will. It takes a solid 15+ minutes to tell everything so I can only imagine it would take around an hour to write it all. I'll just go over the highlights. Went to SA Friday and saw District 9 (awesome by the way, go see it) with Brian and then woke up the next morning and washed my car and cleaned out the inside. After that I started my date at around 1:30pm. I'm sure you're thinking 1:30? What are you trying to do? Bore her to death?? No...actually we talked. Talked literally the entire time without so much as an entire minute passing in silence. No shit. Not even a minute. So you're NOW thinking, "Ok, so I get it...it lasted 10 minutes didn't it?" Nope. Sit down. No really. 22 hours. Didn't get bored for a second. I don't kiss and tell but there was TOTALLY kissing going on. We basically talked until 4 am and then I told her she needed to get some sleep cause I needed to get on the road. She was having NONE of me driving home that late and she offered her guest bed. It was really nice. We talked a little more in the morning and then reluctantly said goodbye. It was really nice. I mean REALLY nice.

She would totally be worth doing this long distance thing all over again. But I'm playing my cards close to the vest. I don't want to drag her into anything unpleasant or get hurt myself. Right now we're playing it by ear. I don't even know when I'll be seeing her again. No idea. I, of course, will come down this weekend if she wants me to, but, as usual, I just don't wanna fuck this up so I'm trying not to rush things. This last date was so long because we just couldn't stop talking with each other, but things are a lot different when you have to rely on friends or hotels for your sleeping arrangements. I don't know if this will work out, but right now, this is totally awesome and I don't know if anything else really matters. I don't know how or why this is happening but I'm going to ride it out because this is how things are supposed to be with someone and at the very least? I'll know for next time.

Tommy "Is being WAY more rational with this than he would have been in the past" Schubert

So here we go. It's been a busy busy summer. Kinda. Little bit of travel, lots if DVDs of tv shows, good friends, good rest, thick grass, and an unusual number of dates. Like the one this weekend! And the one last weekend! But today is freshman orientation. I'm back at work. I can't complain as I really like this job and the people I work with but it does mark the end of the summer and almost marks my 31st birthday. Using the help of my friends, namely Heather, I have finally been convinced to date more than one chick at a time. I tried this when I was in high school but it was a huge mistake. But that was different. This is literally just dates. If I feel like going out with someone I just ask them! It's genius!

Well I had a not-so-date-date last weekend (Can't thank you enough Miles!) but I wouldn't say that went so well. It was fun as it was happening but well...for lack of being a jerk, the situation was evidently more complicated than I was aware of. Unrequited love, meeting wives, being awkward. Ya know. The usual. I was but a bystander...but an entertained one! :)

This weekend I have Brian to thank for...mostly. When I was down in San Antonio last time with my last "girlfriend" we all went swimming and hung out for memorial day. Brian invited some friends and his friends invited friends. Soon enough we had a bunch of people there! You would think, as I did, that I would have the most to talk about with my girlfriend. I just didn't. The day before was the very beginning of the end it turned out. But that day I had a lot to talk about with this chick named Lauren. I didn't think much of it at the time but we chatted a lot. Not flirted! I'm not an asshole! Just chatted. So on our way back the GF actually mentions what a fantastic ass Lauren had. I hadn't really thought about it...but NOW I was! And she had been on my mind since. Well since the breakup a couple months ago I had been bugging Brian to help me get in contact with her. I kept getting a simple brush-off but I would ask when I talked to him anyway. Fast forward MONTHS later and I had all but given up and persued other interests and then bam! Email from Brian telling me that she's interested too! WTF? He had remembered, he was just really REALLY slow about it. And remained kinda slow as it then took over a week and a half to actually get her number off him. But now we actually spent the entire week talking for hours and hours on end every night this week. First date this weekend. No idea how it's going to go, but it does beg the question: do I really want to do this again? She has a JOB in SA. I have a house here. I've done the long distance thing again and again but now that I'm getting more and more dates, do I really want to? Needless to say the last one didn't turn out so well...depending on your perspective. Dan seems to be pulling it off...but could I do it again? Do I have it in me? Is it oddly perfect for me right now? I don't really know all those answers. But I like this chick and I want it to work out. I'll keep ya posted.

That's really all I have these days. The usual. Ya know , it's funny. I only tend to post when I either have a lot to think about or I'm just plain bored. There has got to be something wrong with that. Anyway, back to freshman orientation, I guess :P

Tommy "Happy birthday Mike!!" Schubert