The Roulette Wheel

Well...this is the last week before school starts and I'm just about as bummed as I can get. No really...I don't really know what's actually going on but I'm definitely depressed. Don't want to eat, don't want to go out, don't want to go to bed, just want to nap, don't want to wake up, don't want to work out. Yeah...I mean, I think I'm particularly qualified to diagnose my depression, but there's a list for ya anyway! :P

I'm not really sure what's causing it. I mean I could use a little Achem's razor action on it and just assume it's the simple fact that I'm going back to work Monday, but really I never get THIS depressed. Then I started thinking it might be because I'm getting a bad vibe from Lauren down in SA. But after rethinking my last conversation and rereading my last series of texts, that sounds stupid. So I'm kinda trying to think a little outside the box. This is the first summer where I haven't had full time class to go to. So I'm thinking that the summer was spent getting REALLY used to not working...now I'm dreading getting back to work and realizing that this is probably REALLY my last year. I'm dreading all the changes in the couple years to follow. I'm dreading a lot of things.

*Just exchanged a few texts with her*

But then I get back to Lauren. (This is the part where the post changes gears) I've had my general happiness so wrapped up in others for so long that with this one...it's really coming back to me. It's like it's all flooding back all at once. The last several relationships weren't that awesome from the beginning but I've gotten only a taste of this one and man...I can't imagine what a meal would feel like. No really...it's like my capacity to love since Kelley has been completely dead and I didn't even know it. Now that I've gotten it back, I don't know what to do with it. I'm not saying I'm in love with her so early!! Quite the contrary. But I do know that I really could love her, and it's been several years since I've felt like that. Since I felt that I even could. Ok...call me a dick if you will but I've told the ladies before now that I was capable of it and I actually figured I was telling the truth. I figured it would come with time, but it never did. With this one...I KNOW I'm telling the truth. It feels good, but it's scary. It's hard (as many of you reading already know) to have your happiness wrapped up in another person. I remember what that was like now. Having a shitty day just because of a dower conversation, a curt kiss or a lackadaisical response to something exciting. Don't get me wrong! I totally want that! But it's going to be yet another adjustment...and it's already started. Yeah, I've been having a shitty week but really it started Wednesday night after our conversation. Conversation really went fine, but well...let's just say: foot-in-mouth happened a little. Worried about it all the next day. She only wanted to text Thursday, and then didn't hear from her Friday. So about three days of pure "did I fuck this up ALREADY??!". Well anyway...I'm sure this all doesn't make much sense. Well the text I just got informed me that she called earlier just to say hi, but my phone never rang. Got some positive vibes and now....well...now I'm not having a shitty week anymore. :) I guess there's the answer I started this post with the purpose of looking for.

Fucked up. I totally agree. I just think it's interesting how much another person can impact your mood. Really...I mean sure. I'm one of those people that really wears their heart on their sleeve when it comes to the ladies but if I wasn't so painfully sensitive I just wouldn't be able to be such a good counselor. Oh and for those of you that aren't aware or don't believe me? I do very few things well, but counseling I do best. I'm quite good at it. And for those of you that know me know I rarely say I'm particularly good at something. But anyway...that sensitivity or empathy or whatever ya wanna call it really backfires sometimes. Really has it's downside. Right now? Yeah...this is it. It's like chicks are my kryptonite. I'd do just about anything for one I love and it's like I have a main line to everything going on with them. I mean...I'm actually trying to get into professional sports for this chick! And I don't even love her yet! WTF?! I have compromised almost every moral code I have for a woman at one point in time. Piercing? Check. Drinking? Check. Smoking? Check. Religion? Check. The list really goes on and on...but I always seem to come back to what makes me, me. So why do I do it? To make an impression? To empathize even further? I honestly don't know. But it's me and it's who I am. I do like me...but I don't like this part. But, well...I can only assume it's a package deal at this point because it's been happening my entire life. So I guess I'm gotta learn to deal with it...or start working on changing it.

But I honestly think that's too dangerous. To close to the core that's who I am. God this sounds absurd. I'm not looking to break myself if that makes any sense. So here's how the next couple months are gonna go. One of two ways really: Complete roller coaster of emotions that will level off when we make the relationship official in a couple months. I will then, potentially, be in the best relationship of my life. OOOOR The same roller coaster ride, ending in one hell of a crash. There is, sadly, no easy way out of this one I don't think. I could be wrong of course, but I'm trying to make sure I understand what I could potentially be getting into here. I don't want to delude myself. I want to make sure I'm prepared for this. I've been thinking a lot about it actually. And I think I am ready. The terrible risk is worth the reward on this one. It really is guys. So wish me good luck....and seriously? Pray.

Tommy "already did that" Schubert