The Roulette Wheel

So I haven't been writing in a while. Let me tell ya why. I'm living with my parents for the time being and let me tell ya: I thought I remembered why I hated it but now I flat out KNOW. My parents are children. They are actually fucking infants. They literally have no idea how to work things out between each other or within themselves. They have a problem, either big or small, and they always do the same thing. My mother storms off and doesn't talk to ANYONE about the problem. Meanwhile she acts 120% happy around everyone else but the person she has a problem with. That person? That person gets the "I'm pretending like you're dead" routine. This sounds familiar? It should...and it doesn't set well with me for those exact reasons. My dad? Not much better. He runs around blubbering like an idiot and literally doing NOTHING about it. He WANTS to do something about it but never does. No trying to talk to her, no telling her what he wants, no nothing. Just silence from both sides. It's really kicking my ass.

Don't get me wrong I do see the similarities between this situation and the one I dealt with earlier this year. I really do. But at least I made an effort. Actually I made a strong (by comparison) effort. This? This is fucking ridiculous from both sides. At least my situation was only completely childish from one side and too nice for my one good from the other. Oi...So basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm having to relive the shit I went through every day while I live here. Maybe it's karma for respecting Kelley's side of things and not basically forcing her to come back to me. I don't know, but whatever it is I'm sick and tired of it and I want it to fucking stop. Does that equal divorce? I don't know but I know what it should equal. It SHOULD equal my fucking parents growing up and talking to each other like fucking adults. Fuck.

Ok...anyway. So even besides that, my week and the next couple it going/have been totally crazy. I've had futile dates. Religious chicks just aren't my thing. Check. Chicks with guns aren't my thing either I'm finding out. Oi. But either way I swing it...I'm just not ready for a real relationship yet. As soon as I got close...I mean truly close, to Kelley of course...she decided that I couldn't be around anymore in the blink of an eye. I'm not ready to do that again, and I don't have to be ready. Oh yeah...and 10 years of Catholic School? Yeah well...it might make you agnostic...sure...but it also buries an overactive sense of guilt so deep in your psyche that it can't even be dug out with a rusty spoon. A REALLY rusty spoon. Guilty about dating other women 8 months out? Sure....WHY NOT!? Fuck. I'm glad I'm too busy for another woman...it does make this easier.

Wow...Needless to say this one was a long time coming. Sorry for the dump people. And anyone out there that this all pertains to...sorry for hurting your feelings...annnnd I'm NOT sorry if this inadvertently makes you want me back even though in a lot of ways you just don't deserve someone as good as me. But I wouldn't have stuck it out for 6 years if I didn't think you were/would be worth it.

BTW- Cait Graduated Tuesday. I wish I could have been there without feeling a guilt I don't deserve to feel. But I didn't go and that was the right thing to do. But at the same time it's just fucking wrong. I'm proud of you kid. Make good choices.

Tommy "because it'll hurt more you twit!" Schubert