The Roulette Wheel

I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm fucking myself. At the same time I feel that I have no choice. What? I just like to start cryptic. It's what I do. First things first: let's catch up.

The last month has seriously sucked. It started with a weekend on a retreat with a bunch of TOK kids. Ok...that wasn't so bad actually, but as soon as I got back I had the flu. I was rocking the flu and going to work every day for the entire week. Going into spring break it started to get better but I didn't have any time to recoop because I was headed to New York to babysit shitloads of children as I spent my entire break there. By the time I got home? Yup. Sick again. That lasted the entire week and then? AFI started. I've been in nearly nonstop movies since last Thursday. So yeah. You have only missed so much really. Lots of me being sick. Lots of me moping around. Lots of me sitting in movie theatres or trying to sleep whenever I can so I can try and avoid getting sick for a third time. Meh.

Anyway fucking myself. It's really simple actually. Last night I decided that I'm fucking myself out of relationships and "continuing" my life just because I want to be happy with who I'm with and I don't want to compromise. There is either something wrong with that OR I've got the wrong perspective. More than likely it's the later but I wanted to think out loud about it anyway. :P Now I know more people than just myself that are fucking themselves. I won't name names but you know who you are. Regardless I spend a lot of time thinking about relationships and family and where my life is going. I hear a lot of crap too. I hear a lot of stuff like, "why are you so particular?" "why don't you lower your standards?" "If you are going to want a relationship you are going to have to take what you can get. You're just getting too old.". No. Really. I've heard all these things. And I just wanted to say that that's total bullshit.

Slight change of subject.

I was having a discussion with my class the other day and I mentioned that I was getting too old to do a kick up but that I wasn't too old yet. They started moaning about how I wasn't that old and I, of course, asked how old I looked. I made them confer for a couple minutes and give me one age that everyone agreed on. What did they come up with? 25.

My response wasn't what they expected I don't think. I kind of threw up my hands and said "of course!". Then I talked to them about what's wrong with that. Here's the thing: when I'm 30 and look 25, women who are 30 ignore me because I look younger than them. So maybe I start looking for women in their early to mid 20's. Buzzz! Sorry. Though I might have a stronger connection with those women because of my varied interest and youthful exuberance (always wanted to say that), that really doesn't matter all that much. When those younger women find out I have a masters, a good job, own a house and am 30. Well. I think you get the idea. So. Bit of a rock and a hard place situation. Look and are interested in things too young for the ones my age, and just too old for the younger ones. Argh!

Or at least those two are my CURRENT excuses for being being single right now. Now. Time to get back to AFI, taking care of my house, my very ill parents, and torturing myself by hanging out with a beautiful woman with an amazing personality that wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole.

Man this one is mopy. How about ending it on an up note? Chinatown Wars: GTA is really awesome and I highly recommend it. Ok. I'm out.

Tommy "you would think the concept of fucking oneself would be more pleasurable" Schubert