The Roulette Wheel

So last time you heard from me I was on my way to PAX and was feeling a little weird about the relationship. Unfortunately just about all fears have been justified. PAX was fun but just not as much as last year. It was REALLY uncomfortable with the ex there the entire time. I got sick on the way back, and didn't hear a peep from the new chick all weekend. Oh...until I finally heard from her during her layover in Houston where she mentioned having a lot of time to "think". Sigh. For whatever reason thinking about being in a relationship with me eventually makes you want to be OUT of a relationship with me. God, why is that? Why? At what point have I ever genuinely failed a female? Anyway...

So she texts me and I believe the second or third thing she texts is that she's too busy this weekend for me to come down. Then she's freaked out that I'm coming on too strong. Then I'm pushing. Then she thinks talking might help. Then she discounts the talking we did the weekend before about this very same subject. Ugh. I KNOW she's not crazy like most of the rest of my girlfriends but, it's shit like this that gets the wheels turning in that direction.

So I have been mulling this over for the last 21 hours or so and I'm beginning to see a pattern that I really don't like very much. So...we all remember Kelley right? Right. and Jill? Of course. Well I decided a while back that those relationships didn't work out for a multitude of reasons but one of which that I actually had control over was that I wasn't being true to myself. So this time around I decided to try that one out. I like this chick. I really like her and I think this could be something important.

Oops.

No I didn't TELL her that, I just went along as normal but keeping true to myself. Here's the irony: If this keeps going sour, then I will have lost relationships because I was lying to myself AND because I was being truthful. What the fuck? This is really getting absurd. So next I try somewhere in between? Maybe I don't even bother at all? I don't know. I have talked about being a real asshole for years now and the more I go through this the more that sounds like a fantastic fucking idea. Basically new chick is just wanting someone to take her out every once in a while? Well...I'm better than that and that's not what I want out of ANY relationship, let alone this one. But really I don't know what she wants. I should ask but I'll never know if she's telling the truth. I should tell her but I don't want the whole truth to scare her even farther away. Basically, this went from really easy and breezy to really really fucking complicated in no time flat.

I mean...I could work with this problem if I was in the same town. I could work with this problem if she wasn't sick, PMSing, AND just coming back from a visit home which makes her hate Texas and all things in it even more. But I have all this shit stacked against me and the phone call to talk about this is imminent. Fuck. I really hate it when shit gets like this and I really hate it when I just can't be an asshole about it and pick up some skank at the bar, and fuck her brains out to wash it all away. Some days I hate being such a nice guy and other days I just hate being me. Anyway...this is all sounding stupid with the re-read. I really hate being like this when I need to talk about what's going on, but I never can articulate concisely and I have a tendency to burn out all the ears that are lent to me. I'll talk to her tonight after I mow the lawn and just talk. Maybe tell her everything I want and where I stand, maybe just listen. I don't know, but I wish I did.

Tommy "emo much?" Schubert