The Roulette Wheel

Lately I'm been just closing my eyes and letting the weeks slip by. I can't really say I like life that way but I can't really say I'm not perfectly happy. Just doing a little time slipping. I've been playing lots of games and watching shitloads of movies. Focusing on getting through my work day as fast as possible and then coming home and taking a long ass nap. I mean LOOOONG ass. The other day I literally took a 7 hour nap, woke up to brush my teeth, do a couple other things and then just go back to bed. Yeah, it's crossed my mind that I'm depressed right now. I guess it's possible. I'm staring at an unpleasant choice in my very near future. I have to decide if I'm going to stay with the school or move on to places unknown. Stagnation is almost as scary as moving on, but not quite. I've been batting around the idea of starting a film program at Booker T. Washington downtown. I mean I hate that fucking bitch that works there but if I could get in over her? Sweet fucking revenge. That and mostly I think the whole idea behind that place is a little fucked up. I mean what's the point of magnet schools when there are plenty of schools that integrate gifted and talented programs really well and don't isolate the kids in any real way. I mean...they are more than just a little pampered. Entirely new facility and school over the course of one summer? Integrated into the arts district downtown but completely isolated from everything around? Ok...when I get in there I might decide the kids are pretty awesome but at this point: unfounded bias for the win!

So...here's an interesting issue before I briefly gloat about playing DND earlier today: I seem to be incapable of NOT counseling people I really would rather be dating. Fucking joy. It's funny. When I start doing that, and it's not really something I seem to be able to stop, it basically makes them instantly NOT want to date me. I don't know what's the deal with that. They always come back for more counseling but usually put a great big no-go on the dating. Personally my perspective is: " I really don't even want to waste time talking to you if you've already written me off. " What's going to end up happening is that I'm just going to get used again and again to help them deal with the dumb-shits they decide to go with instead of me. I guess my initial thoughts were that I could show her I'm one of the "good" guys by showing her that I'm better adjusted? Then I think they eventually realize that I'm better adjusted than they are? I don't really know what the logic is. Maybe that sounds pretentious. I don't know. Either way that just seems to be a reoccurring thing. Once again I just wish I was a fucking jerk more than just to my students. Then again I think my students really like that I'm a fucking jerk...hmmm...maybe I have something there? I mean...I have being a jerk down pretty well. I might actually be able to apply it to dating. Woof...that would be WAY not the way I like to do things. I'll think about it.

So today was the first day in about 8 months I have actually sat down and playing DND. It was really great. We mostly got our asses handed to us but that didn't really matter to me. I just really wanted to enjoy myself, gain a level, and kick a little ass. I definitely enjoyed myself, gained a level, but I kicked little to no ass. Ted did all the ass-kicking actually. Regardless, I think one of the coolest things about dnd is always looking forward. Always looking to the next level. Always flipping through your players handbook for your next equipment loadout. Always thinking about what you're going to do with your next character. Hmmm. Interesting. I think I might have actually talked myself into a philosophical answer to this problem. Obviously easier said than done but I think it's a start. Now...how to bring this into the real world? I guess that'll have to be something I look into in the next couple weeks.

Tommy "only needs 50gp to get himself a vangard warhammer" Schubert