The Roulette Wheel

I've come on here and talked about a lot of things. Lots of things for a damn long time. I mean...I honestly think I'm approaching 350 here soon enough. I've literally been on this blog since March 9th 2004. Yeah, that's over 6 years. Feels like more though. Besides that point there have been several themes that have come back again and again. Several. Let's take this totally irrelevant post number 316 to recap! Briefly! (This is a lie)

Since the very beginning, I've talked about the tech I've been getting over the last several years. I've posted all about the planning and execution of two rig purchases/builds. I've talked all about my first foray into portable computing. Cell phones. You name it and I've talked about it here.

I've talked about all manner of nonsensical stuff on here. I've waxed poetic. I've waxed crazy. I've even talked about my first and only back wax. Lots of waxing around here now that I think about it.

I've laughed while typing. I've cried while typing. I've been angry. Worried. Hungry. Over-sexed. Under-sexed. I've been all ranges of human emotion. Here. On this blog.

There have been a lot of things that have come through this keyboard (not specifically this one...this is actually my third keyboard since starting the blog). But there has been one that has reoccurred more than any other in the last three years and even prior to that. Loneliness.

It's kinda funny that I might say something like that considering all the things I have going for me. I mean, I'm close to my family. I have wonderful friends all over the country and the world. I have new friends here and even a couple old ones left over. So what's the problem? Sure I'm still without all that many people that really see eye to eye with me on the whole straightedge thing, but I really stopped caring about that a while back. It's just part of me. I don't even know why I do it anymore, it's just who I am. Anyway...I still remain lonely. The good thing about all this? I at least know why now. It's kinda the same reason as anyone else though. I want to love and be loved. It's that simple. Well...actually it's not all that simple. I don't just want to be loved, I want to be loved for exactly who I am. Not who I might be or will be or who someone things I am, but who I am right now. I don't honestly know if I've ever had that.

Hmmm...I wonder if anyone could ever really know? I guess I just want to not have to think about whether I have it or not. Does that make sense? I was with Kel but I never really had any assurance she wasn't going to leave me at the drop of a hat. She would reassure me again and again that our relationship wouldn't last and she wanted nothing to do with marriage and children. I never really believed her and still don't. Six years passed. Guess I should have listened. Regardless. I want THAT relationship. I want the one where I don't have to worry. Where I can just enjoy a woman's company and make her life awesome...which will in turn make my life awesome. Anyway...it's the same old thing...I just know what I want more specifically. The only problem with that is that what I want might very well be the hardest thing to find in the entire world. So this revelation of the cure to my loneliness is bittersweet. I've crushed, been smitten, and loved unrequited. This has been an eventful couple of years since I lost Kelley. I still haven't found what I'm looking for though. I genuinely hope more than anything that I will before I get too old to enjoy it.

I have also occasionally talked about poop. Big shits. Smooth shits. Rabbit pellet shits. You name it.

Any other reoccurring themes I might have missed? I'm actually curious. Hit me back long time readers.

That's about it everyone. Just about to fail at another relationship attempt (that's two in the same number of weeks! I'm awesome!) and was needing time to process. Since I don't HAVE a counselor, though I might be one, I process here. I DO try and make it entertaining though. Hope you all don't mind. Not that's it's going to stop me, nor does it stop anyone else that processes on their blog. Which I encourage for everyone by the way. Ok ok. I'm tired now and think I'm going to read a couple more comics.

Tommy "Really sucks at dating...no...REALLY sucks at it." Schubert