The Roulette Wheel

So things have gotten a little weird around here since we last spoke.  Nothing tits-up, but everything has taken an interesting turn. 

Jordan took just about all the advice and guidance I gave him to heart and he's on day 30 of his new life and looking forward to good things.  That's really only ever happened once, and it was with a client.  It's good to know that some people listen sometimes.  Then again it probably helped that I printed out numbers, directions and times for him and called ahead.  Regardless.  We're square money-wise and all is once again right with the world.  More importantly, he's gotten himself some help.  Which was the whole point from the beginning.

My mom is looking to change jobs.  Like for real this time.  It's a little more than jarring that I might be the only film teacher next year.  My schedule would literally be full of film if I play my cards right.  That could be pretty cool.  The only problem is that I would have to literally run everything.  Booster club, purchasing, IB testing, working magic over kids schedules just to keep the program, and that's just to name a few.  I'm kinda hoping that she doesn't leave this year....but she's already working with someone else and looking to tell the principal next month.  Here's the thing: she tells the principal, it's all over.  No going back.  I'm REALLY not looking forward to this, actually.

The plastic surgeon consult went really well.  Looks like I'll have to get my nose straightened as well as hollowed out so I can fucking breath.  All the mess that's about to happen to my nose (probably this summer actually) isn't really all that scary.  It's actually the anesthesia that scares the crap outta me.  I just don't wanna be under...like ever.  It genuinely sends chills up my spine every time I think about it.  I mean, best case scenario is that I'll go to sleep cold and afraid and wake up cold, afraid, and with half a box of tissues and a couple straws jammed up my nose.  Since my mom is allergic to most anesthesia, I'm also a little afraid that I just won't wake up at all.  Yeah...there's that, I guess.  Oh!  And it's possible I'll wake up completely fucked up and say a BUNCH of shit to Mel that I really don't need to be telling her quite yet...like that I love her.

Yeah...about that: I'm pretty much completely in love with Melanie.  She's everything I thought she would be and more. Our relationship gets better every day and if I was in any way convinced that there was a god out there I would be praying to he/she every night in the hopes that I can keep her for the rest of my days.  I don't know if that would really help either way though because we've hit a different kind of snag. One entirely unrelated to how well we get along. It's been over a month since we did ANYTHING physical that I wouldn't do with my mom.  Let me save you the trouble of looking back and seeing how long we've been going out.  It's been less that six months.  This is not normal, nor pleasant.  Then again, neither is the source (of which I shall not speak).  There are actually two sources working in tandem.  None of them are diseases and none of them have anything to do with me.  Essentially it's a waiting game and more ironically a game of faith.  Not actual religious faith of any kind, just faith in people.  Namely our faith in each-other.  My faith for her ability to help herself out of this (No worries, she has ACTUAL help) and her faith in me not to up and leave. Both are going to be tested.  I imagine this is going to last at the very least another month and at the very most another year.  There will also be residual for the rest of her life I imagine.  Getting to keep her around would be more than worth it.  This is a true statement.

I guess my real concern is kinda stupid but it's there nonetheless.  I feel most connected with the women I date when we're being intimate.  For me, it's something I only share with one person at any given time. It makes them different than all the other people in my life.  I just hope I don't somehow fuck this up.  I just hope I can either find another way to be connected to her or that I can endure for as long as it takes before feeling so disconnected that it doesn't even matter anymore.  Heh.  I guess this will also be an exercise in my own faith in myself.  Interesting.  Well,  I hope we both pass are tests no worse for wear. Wish us luck.  :)

Tommy "No. Seriously.  Luck." Schubert